In the last two weeks, I have been repeatedly asked, “Isn’t sex just really overrated?” Categorically, No – it’s just feared.
Is the one posing this question, in a marriage where sex is reduced to a perfunctory routine where neither partner is sharing their deepest truths and resentments because they don’t know how to? Has the person been the victim of sexual abuse in dismissed incidents of long ago that were deemed insignificant? Is he or she a victim of sexual abuse, knowingly traumatized and thus overwhelmed by the lurking memories that engaged, deeply felt sex haunts them with? Is the relationship long dead with too much on the line to lose, so sex is used as a last-resort glue to reassure the couple that all is well? Has the process of aging and its potential toll on self-image taken sex hostage and shut out its charms and joys?
Why is sex rated almighty high? We can turn to the advertising industry, who certainly seems to know something about what sex promises. But what the advertisers don’t broadcast from their eye-catching billboards or sleek magazine ads is the genuine, humble, risky route one will have to take within to reach the Love, Connection, Inspiration, Passion, Rapture, Liberation, Sensuality and Spiritual Awakening that sex promises. Since not one product will take us there, understandably sex falls short time and time again, not living up to its enticing promises.
Sex is an emotional bodywork session, fraught with the unknown, the vulnerable, the honest and one’s deepest insecurities. If this reality is glossed or ridiculed right over, the jewels of sex will remain invariably out of reach and concluded as unattainable.
How do we get back on track to reclaiming sexuality’s promise?
- One place to begin is to ask if we are risking transparency and honesty in our most intimate relationship? If not, we can start by writing a letter to our partner that we do not send. Then we can write a letter back from our partner that we would most imagine that they would write if they were in their wise, higher self. Such a process can pave the way past deepest fears to actually risk real emotional intimacy in an actual sent letter or a heart-to-heart conversation.
- If there is a past history of inappropriate sexual touching, sexual shaming, outright rape – by stranger or loved one – or a host of other sexual transgressions, and this past is unaddressed or unhealed, it deserves prompt attention and accompaniment by a professional as well as the compassion and understanding of one’s lover. Such attention will definitely contribute to healing the effects of the past trauma and opening to the beauty of a shared, alive present.
- When a relationship is perceived as dead, sometimes it actually is, but both are paralyzed to let go. A potential ego death of a very high order is present and coming out of isolation to receive the support of friends or a professional, in the face of such looming, radical change, can be highly necessary. Rebirth is inevitably on the other side for both – it’s just too remote and unimaginable at the time.
- Sometimes the marriage is not dead, but it is concluded as finished. This can be an excuse to avoid innumerable unaddressed grievances and unforgiven resentments. It’s perhaps actually time for risk-taking like never before!
- Perhaps insecurities that peek out in the sexual act, shivering in shameful silence, have gotten the upper hand and need compassionate reassurance and abundant healing and love. Once any of these fears is braved and faced, the healing restoration and magic of sex are invited back in, igniting the earnest lover with a vitality and self-acceptance that is transformative and uniting for both partners.
Bored sex deserves exploring those subterranean, emotional worlds. Such adventuring is worth every flutter of panic and trepidation. You, and your partner, will not only be liberated in the process, but the gifts of commitment – will be beautifully reinforced and celebratorily reaped!